My dear senior generation, whenever there is a discussion about the marriage proposal of your sons, it rarely happens that you don’t mention about those classic expectations from the potential bride.

‘she must be able to cook’ (usually this means that she should be doing all the cooking). ‘She should look after the house’ (usually this means all household chores are primarily her responsibility and my son need not be bothered). ‘She is ‘allowed’ to progress in her career but her priority should always be her husband and children’.These expectations are usually in addition to the normal ones which are – well qualified and beautiful!  You are not bothered if your son can’t  cook or if he is aggressively pursuing his career while giving secondary priority to his family.

We made many attempts to challenge your thoughts. We tried to debate with you on why these are unfair and unrealistic requirements and that you shouldn’t bother yourself about who manages what in the house. We tried to explain that the real requirements for the spouses of both genders are the characteristics that define us as humans. The look we usually get from you is as if I have just eaten a live rat in front of you! As expected the debate always ends like this ‘but our culture is blah blah blah….’

Our senior generation, we still don’t know why it surprises you when we talk about sharing household responsibilities- which we believe is a step towards progressiveness. We are surprised that you – who are the pioneers of progressiveness are surprised. We are surprised because this is not even close to the radical steps (and rightly so) you took towards progressiveness. 

Just three generations before you were born, our ‘culture’ was to enforce the practice of ‘sati’. But your ancestors fought against it. Just two generation before you, our ‘culture’ asked the widows to shave their heads and stay confined within the house. Didn’t you see your grandmothers like that? 

Your mother fought against it. She didn’t get the chance to go to school. She was not involved in any decisions, whether important or not. She lived at the mercy of her husband and his family. But she and many others  of her generation fought so that they can live a life of dignity even after their husband’s death. Something their previous generation couldn’t.

You carried her legacy further. You fought the demons of ignorance. You fought for education. Many women of your generation are well educated and independent. You did what your mother couldn’t do. That is the progressiveness. 

We wouldn’t think the way we think today if you and your previous generations hadn’t taken those radical steps. We wouldn’t understand the meaning of equality if you didn’t acquaint us with the human rights and that a woman is a human too! You made us realise that a woman has dreams, independant aspirations and a concept about how she wants to live her life.

So all that we ask from you is to let us take that small step towards fairness.So that our children can take the legacy we inherited from you further. 

So please my senior generation, don’t think that certain work is not suitable to your son’s status but is ok for his wife to do it. Don’t frown if your son takes a head start in cooking just because he happens to be at home. The house belongs to both and so do the responsibilities. They are equal in every sense. That doesn’t sound that radical does it?

These expectations  have often remained a source of conflict between your generation and us. But we want to live in harmony with you. Because we understand how important it is for our children to have a healthy relationship  with their grandparents. The love and affection that they will get from you, they won’t get from anywhere else. We understand how important it is to get your support if we want to fulfil our aspirations!

So my dear senior generation, next time you search for a bride for your son, don’t be bothered if she can’t cook. Think if she will be affectionate towards you. House can be managed, affection and love can’t be generated. 

12 thoughts on “Why does it surprise you my senior generation!?”

  1. That is rightly put in very strong words. I get irked when a prospective bride is looked as a commodity and not a human but that is how it has been unless girls realise that there is more to her than being that ‘sanskari bahu’. On the other hand, it may sound contrary to my above write up, I have realised that a woman is a nurturer by nature and the house and the child needs a woman as badly as tress need sunlight. So it is all about finding a balance and in finding that the ‘seniors’ can lend a helping hand. The ‘seniors’ should educate their sons about gender equality and respect. After all, not only charity but I believe everything good and bad starts from home!
    Well written Sonali.

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    • Thanks trupti.. I agree to your comment that women by nature build a nest and we are now trying to find a balance between building a nest and fulfilling our aspirations outside the nest. It works as long as it’s your ‘choice’. But when things are imposed on the name of culture, the right to choice disappear and that’s were bitterness starts.

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  2. Very nicely presented ,real problem of working married ladies.very few seniors understands problems facing in global competition.

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  3. Dear sonali ,this is a problem in every educated ladies life,no one realizes ladies balancing in home and office front ,these seniors never seen what type of competition one has to face in the global world ,in global world no gender differentiation ,in India people grow their kids differently,son gets special treatment ,they are not suppose to help in housework,

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    • Yes exactly and for people like us who are indians but live in the West (where the gender bias is absent atleast in the house ), the stark reality of unfairness haunts us all the time. Hope we could do something to change it.

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  4. hi Tai very nicely written. I can see that the every working lady is facing similar problem but our society is changing slowly. It will take some time but it is moving in right direction. one thing i noticed that you have not written anything about girls parent’s expectation. They also expects person earning more than their daughter, taller than their daughter, must own house etc. isnt these expectations are unfair..

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    • HI arjun, thank you. Unfortunately Aesthetic comparison while looking for the bride or groom is altogether different issue and it need a blog of its own. The point I agree with you is – when a husband try to help his wife in household chores, he is looked down by the society. The term uswally used as ‘joru ka gulam’ if a husband treat his wife equally in all respects.The another point is when a husband can’t work or is poor compared to bride,he is abused by seniors (this time from girl’s side) and have to face a hard time. I take your point that I missed these points. I will try my best next time!

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  5. Ki&Ka पहिला नाही का अजुन ?
    Anyways well written, from a bride’s perspective. The human thought conditioning has happened over the hundreds of years, so it will take many decades to get rid of this. ‘पोरीची जात’ must have heard this concept. We have lived in a more open society than our ancestors have, ao no point in blaming them. Psychologically it might be phrased as generation grooming. You become mostly what you were offered to become. There are only few revolutionists in a society, and it takes time to get adjusted with the idea.

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  6. Hi sonali,nicely expressed the thought…but i think the thought is accepted now a days in isolated families but inthe families where in laws are present there its still a very difficult task….but till next generation i think there will be lots of changes in thought processes…..unfortunately this generation is going to suffer….

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